W erkkkkk - The End

Now while I was going through all of this, I think it's understandable that I was not exactly the happiest I've ever been.  Quite honestly I have to admit I became depressed.

Meaningful work.  If you are involved in recruitment at all, if you are a manager or supervisor of staff in any field - listen up, keep your staff engaged and involved.  Giving your staff a desk, a computer, some pens and paper, or whatever tools are involved in your field of work, is NOT enough.  Actual work has to go along with the tools.

Before it happened to me I had never even thought about it.  You read about people who have what we think are 'cushy' jobs, where they get paid mega bucks but read the paper all day.  It simply isn't like that.  Far from being 'cushy' it is demoralizing.  And it's embarrassing, taking good money for doing nothing more than showing up.  And I was paid well, I was at the top of the ladder in my field, paid more than anyone I knew, more than my husband.

At first I was asking around, do you need a hand? can I help with that? and emailing people I'd worked with before, got anything you need help with? Which worked, for a short time.  I'd have done anything to feel at least of some use. And when a new person started I offered to train them in how to use Microsoft Word.  I had nothing else to do, and I am by nature a trainer, and since have become a qualified trainer.  But do you know how demeaning that is, how very useless it makes a person feel?  Forever trying to come up with work to do. 

So after a couple of months of this, and getting to the point of being close to tears just at the thought of walking out of the house to head to an office where there was absolutely nothing for me to do - I ended up sitting in a psychologist's office.  A place I never ever thought I'd be, certainly never thought I'd need.  But need it I did, for the first time in my life I needed help.

I have a wonderful husband, good strong friends, and a supportive family.  But even with all that, nobody really quite understood.  The number of times I heard 'wish I had a job like that' or 'if I was you I'd just keep going in and getting paid' - well it just hurt in the end.  In my mind I was screaming, 'no you dont wish anything of the sort!' and 'not if you were really in my position you wouldn't'!

A person's job is so much a part of a person's sense of worth, when you lose it it is a huge loss, akin to grief. 

And added to my particular situation was the utter dismay at somehow being worth less, less than I was before anyone knew I had a disability of any sort.  For years I had the respect of my colleagues, my opinion was sought out, my help was needed, but as soon as word got out that I had MS, somehow I had become less worthy of that respect.  What utter rubbish.  I was still exactly the same person, could think exactly the same way as I always had, could do the same calibre work that I always had - jeezuz I just couldnt walk as well as before.  My legs were not and are not my brain.

But I persisted, I was NOT going to let them get away with their medical retirement scheme.  Fact is, they couldnt do that anyway.  You see they were all new people, the whole organisation had gone through a major shake-up.  I'm a courageous type though.

And to save you reading the whole sorry story I will cut straight to the end of this story.  I won.  They tried all sorts of underhanded ideas but I sidestepped them all.  There was a little cleverness in some of their moves, but I managed to see through every one.  Not a few of them without the help of my very learned psychologist, he had seen similar situations and a few of their moves he was able to make me see where they were heading.  I am blessed to have had his guidance.  And so, in the end, I wanted out, I didn't want to work anywhere near this new breed.  And I got a nice pay-out.  And I walked out of that place, glad to have it behind me.  Shame though, I loved the job I had, but it doesnt exist any more, so I took my years of knowledge, my money (plus a nice chunk of theirs because they'd ignored basic employment law) and I left.

And I was happy.  And two months later I had an even better job than I had before.  The one I have now, working from home, a few hours a day, doing what I enjoy.  Ohhh I do believe in fate, when one door closes ... and all that. 

What have I learnt?  To believe. To go where your instincts lead.  Even if it's a bit scary, take that one step outside of your comfort zone.  And you'll be exactly where you should be.

I'm still on a journey, I have more that I want to do, and I'm taking little steps towards the realisation of my next dream ... and it's coming!