So I finally had "the moment", the "straw that broke the camel's back", my 'epiphany' - and it had been a long time coming. Finally I decided 'enough'. But I needed help. I enlisted my daughters' assistance, I was scared of what this man might do. Past behaviour indicates future behaviour after all, and I certainly wasn't feeling that this would go well.
So I told my daughters that I was going to tell him it was over and he'd have to go, and they were so relieved that I'd finally come to my senses.
To be honest, I was scared, and by telling my kids what I was planning it made me have to do it. I mean, I could let myself down, and suffer for it - but I knew I could never let my kids down, or tell them I was going to do something and then not do it. So by telling them, it was also my 'insurance', a guarantee that I'd actually follow through no matter how frightened or threatened I felt.
And they rallied round, they arranged to be nearby. They had their friends on standby too, one call from me and they'd be there. One was actually waiting round the corner just in case they had to get in the house quick. I love my kids. They'd stuck by me through this hellish relationship, they'd told me I could do better and all that sort of thing, but I was in some dumb weird place where I thought I could make it work, actually thought there was a nice guy under that skin somewhere. But I was stupid and didn't listen to anyone else's opinion, I wasnt going to do anything about it because I honestly thought things would get better, eventually. But eventually had gone well past it's use-by date and finally it all clicked and I was over it.
And it was done. Luckly without physical violence. He yelled. He pleaded his love for me. He cried. He bargained. Could he just stay til he found somewhere else to live? Still stupid, I said ok. And it dragged on for months. Very uncomfortable. Constant pleas to talk. I had to hide in my own home. But eventually he left. Then began the constant text messages. So I got a new mobile and new number. Peace. Then the emails and bombardment on websites that I was on mailing lists of. Embarrassing, but it reflected more on him than me really. Then emails claiming to be from someone else, when I could of course see it was him, the spelling errors, just the tone and wording were obviously him. But it was harassment, and decidedly unnerving.
In the middle of all this, it was Christmas and the New Year 2008/2009. New Year's Eve came and I was home by myself, and I had this idea that I'd head down to the local club rather than sit around by myself, a rather sad picture I thought. So I showered and dressed ready to head out, picked up the phone to call a taxi, and stood there, suddenly thinking what on earth am I going to do when I get there? Everyone else will be out with friends or partners and I'd be on my own, erk. So I put the phone down, put my pj's on and clicked the tv on. And I was happy enough, I'm quite happy in my own company.
An ad came on tv that night, for a dating website. Said it was free for a month. I didn't take much notice of it, I wasn't looking for any more relationships, by this stage I thought men just weren't worth the effort and I'd made up my mind to stay alone, just me, plus visits from my kids and family, and the odd friend now and then. Bliss.
And I saw the ad again a few times over the next week or so. Didn't pay much attention but it must have stuck in my head, because while tinkering about on my laptop I remembered the ad, and thought oh I'll have a look at that website. When I did, I saw that there were people there just seeking friendship. And I started to think a bit differently about dating websites. Not really a bad thing I thought.
I didnt want the hassle of a relationship, apart from my dismal relationship history, I have Multiple Sclerosis and I just didnt want to have to be telling anyone about that. I didnt want it to matter. But a friend would be nice.
So I filled out my 'profile' on this website, said I'd just like to have someone to go out for coffee with, see a concert or movie maybe, just someone to chat to and have the occasional outing. I didnt put a photo of myself online, that was a bit eeuuw in my opinion. I wasn't selling myself, so there was no need, I was just looking for decent honest company now and then. More soon ...
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